Science says these 7 parenting beliefs may be quietly making life harder for parents and children
Every parent wants to give their child the best possible upbringing. But in trying to be the “perfect parent,” many may be putting unnecessary pressure on themselves.
A 2023 survey of more than 700 parents by researchers at Ohio State University found that 57% reported experiencing parental burnout. Surprisingly, the biggest predictor wasn’t the number of children they had or how many hours they worked- it was the pressure to live up to an impossible standard of parenting. Child development experts say many of the beliefs parents consider signs of “good parenting” may actually be making life harder for both parents and children. Here’s what science says.
Here are seven common parenting beliefs that science says may be working against both parents and children.
Watching your own child struggle is never easy. This is when parents tend to step in to help. However, A 2022 systematic review in Frontiers in Psychology found a direct relationship between overprotective parenting and higher rates of anxiety and low self-efficacy in children.While for parents, helping their child comes from their natural instincts, constantly saving them from difficult situations can have unexpected consequences.
Many parents believe that staying calm is the “hallmark of good parenting. However, in reality, that’s not how healthy relationships work. Developmental psychologist Ed Tronick’s research found that parents and children are emotionally “out of sync” around 70% of the time- even in healthy, secure relationships.
Science suggests that secure attachment doesn’t require a “always calm” parent.
It requires one who reconnects after losing their temper, having a hard day, or missing what their child needed. What matters is repair.
A 2022 longitudinal study found parents who managed rather than suppressed anger had children with stronger problem-solving skills by age 16.
There’s a long held belief that parenting is a “talent” which naturally comes in an individual after their child’s birth. However, science says that parental instincts don’t just appear when the child is born. It is because parenting is a skill that grows in the parent as their child grows. The confidence in parents develops through experience, support and learning.
Research on parenting self-efficacy shows that parents who believe they can learn and improve tend to use more positive parenting practices than those who constantly doubt themselves.
Wearing “exhaustion” as a badge of honor is what many consider good parenting. However, research tells a different story. Psychology professors Mikolajczak and Roskam tracked 1,551 parents and found chronic exhaustion without recovery predicted neglect and harsh behavior toward children, explaining 31% of those outcomes, more than job burnout or depression alone.
A study at the Education University of Hong Kong found parents with higher self-compassion had children with fewer behavioral and emotional problems.
So, in essence, taking care of yourself directly affects how you parent.
Being involved in your child’s life is one thing, but being involved in everything can lead to unintended consequences. Some parents mistake constant supervision, decision-making, and monitoring for support.A 2025 study tracking 800 young adults found those raised by highly controlling parents reported lower self-determination, higher social anxiety, and greater fear of intimacy in adulthood.
Developmental psychologist Tronick’s research (which we mentioned earlier) found children in healthy relationships are mismatched with their caregiver around 70% of the time, and the recovery from that mismatch is what builds resilience. Children need the experience of managing small difficulties, not just being protected from them.
Guilt and parenting, for many, feel like constant companions. Missing a school event or not being able to give your child time puts parents in a state of guilt. While occasional guilt can motivate towards change, when guilt becomes chronic, it does the opposite. A 2023 study at Ben Gurion University found excessive parental guilt was linked to more controlling parenting and a less compassionate approach toward the child.Chronic guilt doesn’t improve parenting. It tends to change it for the worse.
Thus, guilt that makes you fix mistakes is useful. Guilt that makes you believe you’re a bad parent is harmful.
There’s a popular saying “It takes a village to raise a child,” and certainly there’s so much truth to that. Modern parenting has made everyone feel surprisingly lonely. Added to it is the effect of social media. Parents comparing themselves with other seemingly happy families has become more common than ever. A 2024 study found upward social comparison on social media was directly linked to higher parental stress and lower parenting confidence, regardless of how well parents were actually doing.
The history of parenting offers the best example for it. For most of human history, parenting happened inside extended family and community networks where knowledge and support were shared. The expectation that parents should raise a child alone has no historical basis and a growing body of evidence is also against it. So, seeking help doesn’t make someone a weaker parent.
Parenting trends may be changing quickly with time. But studies across age groups and countries point towards three parenting qualities that matter for a child’s healthy development. These qualities are: Warmth, responsiveness, and the ability to repair.
The best part is that none of these qualities ask for perfection, these are simple skills that can be learned and strengthened over time.
